The truth about motherhood

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  1. You get to watch all your old favorite cartoons / play with all your old toys / eat your old favorite sweets.
  2. You don’t get to sleep in. Ever. Like, don’t even think about it. Don’t ever. You silly person.
  3. Somewhere along the line, no matter what you do, or how careful and neurotic you are: You WILL get poo under your fingernails. Bonus points if you discover it immediately. Go back three spaces if you don’t. 
  4. The words “Because I said so” will come from your mouth. As will “I’m counting to three” and as will “I will get my shoe / wooden spoon / belt / give your toys or food to charity”. Promise.
  5. You get to dance and sing to your baby
  6. You will feel like the most important person in the universe when your child stares in to your eyes 
  7. You will have moments where you consider putting your child up for adoption / sending them to boarding school / listing them on Gumtree
  8. You will never (ever ever ever) feel true, unselfish love -until you have a baby
  9. You will often feel useless / overwhelmed / incapable / insecure about your ability as a mother. 
  10. Your husband can’t do anything as well as you do. You are the better parent. Ask anyone.
  11. Nothing makes your heart pump more custard than your child giving you a genuine, happy, appreciative, starry-eyed smile
  12. Your child is smarter / better / prettier / more advanced than any other baby you’ve met. 
  13. You will always have an issue at the way another mother lets her kid eat sweets / lets her kid still be on a dummy at age three / stopped breastfeeding at 1 month / had a c-section / introduced solids too soon / lets her kid be awake at 9pm
  14. You will secretly hate any other mother who has a child that sleeps though the night / has a nice body right after childbirth / looks good / gets sleep / is happily married / is happy / has time for a social life / can work full time 
  15. You will end up crying in a bathroom, by yourself, at some point. There will come a point where you feel sorry for yourself and feel overwhelmed / miss your ‘old’ life / think about your ex boyfriend / consider the ‘what if’.
  16.  You will become a ‘mommy snob’, where you feel you are more mature / aware / better than single girls without kids
  17. You will worry that your husband finds you less attractive / desirable after motherhood and childbirth
  18. Guilt. Do I need to elaborate?
  19. You get to tell stories and use your imagination again. You read books and make voices and play pretend / play hide and seek / be childish
  20. You are in constant awe of how much your child is learning about her little world. You have never felt as proud of anything in your whole life, as you do over your child’s first milestones
  21. You google things like meningitis symptoms/ ailments / disabilities / possible child genius / how to save money / daycares / CPR courses 
  22. Some days you watch the clock like it’s nobody’s business, in anticipation for your child/ren to go to bed
  23. Sometimes you feel like you are nothing more than a ‘mother’ and neglect your own, personal identity/ hobbies / interests / personality
  24. You’re exhausted at least eighty percent of the time.
  25. Spur is your new hangout
  26. You buy ‘Your Baby’ instead of  ‘Heat’ or ‘Cosmopolitan’ 
  27. You know what ‘Doctor Whites’ are
  28. You know that Bepanthen is an awesome lip balm
  29. You know that you wouldn’t want anything more than being a mother
  30. You have never felt so humbly in love… In all your life.
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